Postcards from the Edge of the Galaxy
by Eleneri
Summary: Part of the Rose Shepard series: A place for all my Mass Effect trilogy drabbles, none of which are in any particular order. As always, Bioware owns all; no infringement intended. It's their own fault they write such darn good characters that I'm compelled to write about them. Very likely, there will be romance of some sort in there somewhere, because well... I'm writing it.
1. Spiritual

_Set sometime during Mass Effect 3, after Thane Krios' death._

**SPIRITUAL**

* * *

Sometimes, when he looks at her, Kaidan doesn't really see Shepard. Not her body, at any rate. There are times, dealing with politicians and brass, but especially when she's in the field and on the front lines, when he thinks she's composed entirely of determination; sheer, titanic force of will focused so tightly that it crystallizes into flesh.

There are times when he wonders if she's actually human, that maybe Thane Krios was right when he called her _siha_. Warrior angel. It fits her. She does not seem to doubt. She does not seem to acknowledge the presence of anything so pedestrian as obstacles, whether they take the form of pirates, Reapers, or the entrenched idiocy of political leaders. Given an insane idea that is ninety-nine percent guaranteed _not_ to work, Shepard focuses on the one percent chance that it _will_ work, and then_ makes it happen_.

Even after all these years, he's still not sure how she does it. And he's definitely not sure which one of them is crazier - her for consistently pulling off the impossible, or him for willingly following her while she does it.

But Kaidan knows exactly why he always follows. He can't _not_ follow her. He played that card once before, over Alchera, and they both paid for it in years of isolation and pain. Since the Reapers mauled Earth, he follows her because he knows, with a terrible clarity, the truth behind the _siha_; knows that determination and courage made flesh is still only flesh, and that Shepard, Savior of the Citadel, Savior of Elysium and Eden Prime, first human Spectre, legendary N7 operative, is still only a deeply burdened, very human woman during the deep watches of the night.

He will always fight beside the _siha_. He will always follow Shepard as she skates the slipface of impossible and improbable and wrenches results into being out of sheer bloody-minded determination to do what is right. But it is the woman, terribly alone during the slow, deep silences, that it's his duty to protect.

He's never told Shepard, but Kaidan considers himself her _siha_.

He likes to think Thane, wherever he is beyond the sea, would approve.


	2. On the Eve of Destruction

_**Four hours after the Reaper invasion of Earth**_

_**En route to the Citadel**_

* * *

_**From the personal archives of Shepard, R., Commander**_

_**Systems Alliance Navy**_

* * *

I've watched my homeworld burn from orbit.

I'm not the only one.

Earth. Palaven. Thessia. I could list all the planets, but I can't count all the lives. All I can think, when I can think past the despair and the pain and the sheer, ripping rage, is how alike everyone is right now.

We are humans. Turians. Salarians. Asari. Drell. Quarian. Krogan. Batarians. Volus. Hanar. Elcor. Even Geth.

We all spring from the same great root. We are alive. But so long as we only think of ourselves as individuals, even individual species, we will die. We can't choose to be alone anymore. If we do, we will all go screaming down to the grave together, until all we are, all we have built, all we have_ loved_, is so thoroughly gone as to leave no trace of it. One after another, we will fall to an enemy that has no divisiveness, that operates on a single thought.

Destruction.

Ours.

The Reapers do not see the glorious kaliedoscope that is organic life as anything more than an accident. An aberration. They do not see hanar, elcor, volus, batarians, humans, turians, drell, salarians, asari, krogans. They see undesirability. Weakness. Selfish interest. Imprecision. Disarray and decay. Rot. They see fifty thousand years of convergent evolution and culture across the galaxy as nothing more than an accident. They are not impressed by any of our achievements. In fact, they take credit for them. To the Reapers, we are, every one of us, simply another step to take in their timeless, relentless march toward a goal that has never made sense.

I don't accept that. I _will not_ accept that.

If any of us wish to live, we all need to put aside the evidence of our minds - the Reapers' superior numbers, their superior technology - and use the will of our hearts. We may break, but we will not bow. We may lose, but even knowing that, we will fight. We may die, but we will not lay down and willingly be destroyed. Yes, we are chaotic. We're messy. We're fragile. But we are tenacious. We are stronger than we know. I believe this. I _have_ to believe this.

The cost of this war will be great, perhaps greater than we can bear, but we have no other choice. We are not asari, humans, batarians, krogans, drell, hanar, geth, turians, volus, elcor, salarians, rachni, or geth.

We are Life, and we will find a way. Together.


	3. The Wrex Effect

**Author's Note:** The Wrex Effect is a drabble set of conversations that take place on the Citadel after the Noveria missions. In the Rose Shepard timeline, it comes after and refers to The Fan, Catching the Past, Driving Miss Liara, and Elevator Muzak.

Yes, I am milking the whole Conrad Verner thing as a plot, but frankly, the guy creeps me out.

* * *

**_The Citadel_**

**_Systems Alliance Dock 422_**

**_Docking Bay Elevator_**

**_En-route to C-Sec level_**

**_Shore Party: R. Shepard, Commander; K. Alenko, Lieutenant, Urdnot Wrex_**

* * *

Urdnot Wrex took up more than his fair share of the elevator's space with his armored bulk, but other than sheer mass, he was a surprisingly quiet companion.

The elevator's news announcement system chirped to life with a breathlessly narrated statement about the destruction of a research station on Noveria.

Wrex looked over at his human companions. "So," he rumbled conversationally, "Why_ did _that research station explode?"

Shepard and Kaidan exchanged a look. "Tough to make a call on that one, Wrex." The commander idly rolled a shoulder.

"I'm assuming there was weapons fire?" The krogan turned one red eye on the commander.

Shepard thought of the sheer number of heat sinks they'd left on Peak 15. "Yeah."

"There might have been the occasional deliberate overload of failsafe systems in one or two highly unethical labs." Kaidan volunteered in an off-handed tone. "Speaking hypothetically, of course."

Wrex turned his massive head to look at the human male. "Really?"

Shepard was tapping one finger against her bottom lip. "Pretty sure there might have been a few grenades involved. Hypothetically. Right, lieutenant?"

Kaidan kept an absolutely straight face. "Yes, ma'am. And asari commandos. Again, hypothetically."

Shepard was starting to enjoy herself. For once, elevator chatter that wasn't embarassing. It was downright refreshing. "Completely unconfirmed rumors that one of Saren's sleeper agents was there with a bunch of mercenaries."

"There may or may not have been that radiation failsafe in the rachni lab that got triggered."

Shepard snapped her fingers. "Damn. I forgot about that. But not about the strictly hypothetical flamethrowers in that last containment area."

Wrex grunted, as close to moping as a krogan battlemaster could get without actually doing it. "You guys are just being mean. Ah, well, it's not all bad news." The krogan moved his shoulders in a massive shrug. "I hear from Williams that you let loose the last Rachni queen, Shepard. Suppose I should thank you."

Shepard wasn't sure if she was more surprised by the thanks or that fact that Wrex and the raised-xenophobic gunnery chief were apparently gossip buddies. "Seriously, Wrex?"

"Heh. Yeah." He gave her a wide, toothy grin. "Damn rachni were the last ones to give the krogan a good fight. Wouldn't mind having them around again."

Shepard patted him on the shoulder. It felt like she was patting the Mako. "Happy to help, Wrex."


	4. The Wrex Effect Redux

**Author's Note:** The Wrex Effect is a drabble set of conversations that take place on the Citadel after the Noveria missions. In the Rose Shepard timeline, it comes after and refers to The Fan, Catching the Past, Driving Miss Liara, and Elevator Muzak.

Yes, I am milking the whole Conrad Verner thing as a plot, but frankly, the guy creeps me out.

* * *

**_The Citadel_**

**_Zakera Ward_**

**_Outside the Lower Market stairwell_**

* * *

Wrex rumbled a sub-bass note of annoyance that rattled the chestplate of his Colossus armor as the shore party approached the lower market stairs. "Hey, where's that human I keep hearing about? The blond pyjak shitslinger?"

Kaidan glanced around, automatically noting that the commander had gotten ahead of him and Wrex. "Conrad Verner? I don't see him. I guess Shepard must have set him straight the last time we came through."

"She shoot him?"

Kaidan almost smiled at the thought. "No. Sent him home to his wife instead of letting him talk her into making him a Spectre."

The big krogan snorted. "Ah, some human will end up following Shepard into the Spectres, but it'll be someone who can keep up with her, not some pyjak like that." Wrex let out a sigh that sounded like a cross between a bass train whistle and a dinosaur yawn. "Just my luck. First you keep me on the ship and out of the fun on Noveria, and now I don't even get to run the Verner Protocol? I swear, the universe hates me."

Shepard paused halfway down the stairs and turned around to laser Kaidan with a glare. "Wrex knows about the Verner Protocol? What the hell, Alenko, are you and Williams running seminars on the lower deck or something?"

The lieutenant scratched the back of his neck, looking a little embarassed. "Well..."

Wrex snorted. "Hey, don't blame Alenko, Shepard. It was Liara's idea."

That made Shepard blink. "Liara? Doctor Liara "by the Goddess" T'soni? The one who can't stand my driving?"

"Yep, the very same. And you can't blame her for that, Shepard. Your driving would bust the nerves of anyone but a krogan. Not sure how Alenko here handles it. You sure you don't have any krogan in you, boy?" Wrex eyed Kaidan thoughtfully. "Nah. Too puny. Anyway, Liara was telling Tali about the _Rules of Shore Leave with the Commander_." Wrex scratched his chin. "Pretty sure she had an omnitool presentation set up, too. I invited myself to the party." He shrugged. "Nobody said no."

Shepard blinked again. Kaidan almost grinned. "An omnitool presentation? To Tali."

"Yeah. Well, not just to Tali. Williams and Garrus were there, too. They were talking about defensible positions and chokepoints when I left. Y'know, for a human, Williams has a pretty good grasp of how to fight. Not as good as a krogan, of course, but decent." Wrex grinned. "Heh. They were talking about joint tactics. Tactics. Bah. Tactics are for people without redundant systems."

"Please tell me Garrus wasn't picking out sniper positions."

Wrex closed one red eye in thought. "Think his favorite was right over there by the turian merchant. You know, the one who likes to screw with humans? Y'know, Shepard, for a stick in the ass turian, Garrus isn't so bad. He was talking about how easy a headshot would be at that range. Williams was promising to hold the target still for him, even if she had to tackle him." Wrex made a thoughtful rumble that sounded like distant thunder. "I thought that girl didn't like anyone who wasn't her own kind. Heh. Guess she's not so bad once you get to know her. Real devoted to her family. I can respect that."

Shepard closed her eyes for a long, long moment, rubbing the bridge of her nose. Kaidan wondered if she was hiding a smile at the thought of Ashley and the alien crewmembers bonding over Conrad Verner, or if she were trying to ward off the mental images of Garrus setting up to snipe an unarmed civilian. "I'm the commander of the SSV _Crazy_."

Kaidan cleared his throat. "You know you wouldn't have it any other way, Commander."

Shepard scowled at him. "You're real annoying when you're right, lieutenant."

"Aye-aye, ma'am."

"Hey. Are we gonna go see Morlan about those medical supplies or what?" Wrex stumped his way past Shepard and down the stairs. "Maybe this guy blackmailing that doctor from the clinic will give me a fight. I need to punch something."

"Yeah, Wrex." Shepard sighed, following him. "Me, too."


	5. Off-Kilter

_Author's Note__: Just scribbled this up for Shenko Angst Tuesday on tumblr, and I'm glad I did. I've just started ME2 with my main Shepard, and just toured the Normandy SR2. She - and I - found it incredibly creepy. Cool but creepy. High tech and fun, but soulless and cold. When she got to her cabin and saw the picture of Kaidan, it was literally like someone punched her, thus this story._

_As always, Bioware owns all, I'm just playing with their toys._

* * *

_**Cerberus Station**_

_**Normandy SR2**_

Despite Joker's presence at her side, the subtle sense of _wrong_ tickles around in Shepard's gut like cold steel and broken glass. The new ship - _Normandy_, because it means so damn much to Joker to have her back - it's beautiful. Sleek. Bigger, certainly. She wonders idly how the hell much money Cerberus has. Between one battle-scarred commander and one gleaming warship, some Cerberus accountants are probably pulling their hair out with frustration.

They tour the _Normandy_ together, Joker heading straight for the flight deck and the conformable chair made especially to his specifications. Shepard wonders if he's being so gleeful because he's actually happy, or because he feels that same sense of wrongness that she does and is trying to drown it out.

Shepard hates it when Joker's settled, because now she's stuck touring the ship alone. Miranda excuses herself. Shepard doesn't trust her a damn bit. Jacob is more familiar, with his military mannerisms and his crisp salutes. But the ship... dammit, it's too big. Too bright. Too full of toys. It's wrong, all the way wrong, because it's not red-lit in the mess, dim and cozy in the medbay, with friendly shadows that hide sidelong glances and shy smiles, or even the subtle brush of fingers. There's nothing forbidden about this _Normandy_, and it makes Shepard ache.

Her yeoman - and by the Maker, since when has she _ever_ needed a secretary/spy? - tells her she has messages on her private terminal, and she takes the elevator to the captain's quarters. An entire deck, just for her? The cynical part of her mind notes that she'd be easy to sequester there. She feels backed into a corner, and completely baffled by the sight of a fishtank that takes up an entire wall. A fishtank? On a warship? When she sees the skylight above the hedonistic bed, she knows it's just the Illusive Man's way of making her twitchy. The sight of open stars above her is going to do nothing for her ability to sleep. If the ship ever takes damage, she'll either be spaced immediately, or drown in the shattered fishtank. _Great._

But of all the things that make Shepard uneasy about this ship, her desk is possibly the worst. There are books, all her favorites, lined up in a neat row. _How did they know?_ The sense of wrongness grows and twists in her, knotting her guts into a ball of solid ice. She feels violated, exactly as if she'd come home to find her bedroom ransacked. Her Star of Terra - how had they even_ gotten_ that? The empty picture frame alongside the medal stand confuses her for a moment, until it flicks on from a proximity sensor when she passes too close.

It's Kaidan.

The sight of him is like a hammer blow to her chest. She can't breathe. She can't... she can't... One very small part of her wonders if her much-touted cybernetics are failing, if the Illusive Man's investment will be screwed by cheap black market mods and a simple stock dossier photo.

Shepard stares at the picture for a long moment. She literally can't do anything else. He's what she's been looking for ever since being reborn into battle. He's what makes the _Normandy_ the _Normandy_. He's her axis. And he's not here.

He's not here, and she can't deal with it, but she has to, because the ship is watching, and that yeoman is psychoanalyzing the way everyone breathes, and her Illusive adversary is very clearly trying to keep her off balance so that she can't do what any sensible person in this situation would do.

Take the ship.

Shepard stares at the photo for exactly three more seconds - it's an updated photo, no doubt from his Alliance dossier, and there are lines around his eyes and a very slight silvering of the dark hair at his temples that she hasn't seen before. Then she flicks the power off and turns to the terminal to hunt up those messages her ever-helpful yeoman told her about. She still feels like her bones are water, but the ice in her gut has morphed into titanium. Seeing Kaidan reminds her of what she's fighting to save.

But she still wishes he were here,


	6. Double Indemnity

**_Author's note: _**_This is slightly AU and follows the big reveal in the Citadel DLC. However, I may play in the Citadel setting, but I'm mangling it into my headcanon. Therefore, it looks a little odd, but it's a drabble in a drabble listing, and therefore can be odd._

_Headcanon update: Shepard and Kaidan are married on the Citadel after the events of Horizon's End. The events of the DLC play out as their honeymoon. Which, if you think about it, is pretty appropriate for this couple._

_Disclaimer:__ Bioware's toys; I'm just being way nicer to them than Bioware is._

_**WARNING:**__ Spoilers for the Citadel DLC._

* * *

**_Irridium Vault_**

_**Citadel Archives**_

Kaidan rubbed the bridge of his nose. He thought he felt a migraine coming on. "Well, I guess that solves any lingering questions I had on whether or not I could tell if you were a clone."

Beside him, Shepard leaned against one of the display tables, her hands braced against the edge. "And what was the verdict, Spectre Alenko?"

"Heh. She's not even close."

One dark brow arched. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah. Cerberus sucks at cloning heart." Kaidan tapped one finger on her battered breastplate. "You have too much. She has none."

"Are you two gonna whisper lovey dovey stuff all the time we're trapped in here?" Wrex smirked.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at the krogan. "Maybe. What are you gonna do about it?"

"Eh, if you want to spend your last hour of air kissing your wife, Alenko, I'm not gonna be the krogan to stop you. Congratulations on the mating, by the way." Wrex let out a basso profundo chuckle, his massive shoulders shaking. "'Bout damned time you two made it official. The rest of us figured it out long ago."

It was Shepard's turn to rub the bridge of her nose. "Oh, Maker. Please tell me there wasn't a betting pool."

Wrex looked as innocent as it was possible for a krogan to look. "Not saying there was, not saying there wasn't. But if there was, Joker won it."

"And he was going to make me pay for dinner?"

"And why were you going out for dinner with Joker in the first place?" Kaidan kissed her quickly. "Trying to make me jealous?"

"Please." She rolled her eyes."Like it would have worked."

"Mmmm. Maybe."

"Are you serious?"

His husky voice lowered to a baritone rumble. "I can be remarkably insecure."

Shepard's response was to grab hold of his chestplate and yank him down that critical inch for a kiss that about melted his armor down to the underlayer. When they separated, they were both breathing hard, and Kaidan looked half dazed, half ready to throw her onto the display table.

"Well," Wrex rumbled from across the vault, "There went half our air supply."

Shepard scowled at him. "Don't make me headbutt you, Wrex."

"Heh. Always knew you'd make a fine battle sister from the moment you tore a strip off me for killing that pyjak Fist. What human would dare yell at a krogan?" The old battlemaster clapped Shepard on the back, staggering her into Kaidan, who simply absorbed the impact by wrapping his arms around her a little more tightly. "Guess that makes me your brother in law, eh, Alenko?"

Kaidan looked thoughtful. "Guess it does, Wrex."

"Always knew you were part krogan." Wrex let out one of his basso profundo laughs. "Welcome to Clan Urdnot. Now, are we gonna bust out of here and fire that clone and Brooks out the airlock, or what?"

"Oh, yeah." Shepard's dark eyes narrowed. "Nobody steals my ship. Not even me. Glyph? You still out there?"

"Yes, commander." The drone's synthesized cheer was less tooth-grating than normal.

"Get us out of this vault and go spring the others. Somebody's got a date with the airlock."

Kaidan chuckled at her, nuzzling her hair. "You're sexy when you threaten people."

"Yeah, well, the things I'll do to get some time alone with you." Shepard kissed him quickly.

"Don't mind me," Wrex said mildly. "I'm just the eight hundred pound shadow in the corner."

"Did you say something, Wrex?" Kaidan raised an eyebrow at the male.

"Just promising to bring by a couple bags of ice when she's done with you. Trust me on this."


	7. Double Indemnity Part Two

_**Author's Note:**__ more mad AU scribblings because the muse bit and wouldn't let go of my ankle until I wrote it down._

_**Warning: **__ contains spoilers for the Citadel DLC, and is decidedly more headcanony than the preceeding chapter._

_**Disclaimer:**__ Bioware owns the characters and the Mass Effect Universe, but I bet they like me better._

* * *

**_Normandy SR2_**

**_Cargo Bay_**

* * *

All things considered, Kaidan looked reasonably unconcerned for a man who was being held at gunpoint by a clone of his wife.

There was an appraising look on the clone's face. "Brooks had plans for you. I believe they went something like... "kill him"."

"Fair enough." He shrugged. "That was our plan for you. Frankly, it was Javik's idea."

"The Prothean?" Not-Shepard sneered. "I'm not worried about being chased by a four-eyed fossil. I find myself interested in you, though, Major Alenko. We weren't expecting your marriage to that weak original, and frankly, it's creating a bit of a problem. So, I can either go with Plan A, which would make a mess of my deck, or Plan B, which is... take you like I've taken everything else from my predecessor."

Kaidan didn't so much as see the rest of his team slipping into place in the cargo hold as he sensed it. His sense of Rose grew, prickling along his skin almost like a biotic discharge. She'd be in a sniper's perch, maybe. In the shadows, definitely. And he knew damn well she had her eyes on him.

The clone had her eyes on him, too. "I have Shepard's face. I have her voice. I have her ship. According to all available biometric data, I am Shepard. About the only thing I don't have of hers is... you."

Kaidan fought the wave of bile rising in his throat. "Yeah, that's not gonna happen."

"Are you going to hold it against me that I said I'd have saved the other one? Frankly, I prefer women, but you... I think I'd make an exception for you." The clone laughed, but it was a short, humorless sound. "Just think about it, Alenko. You'd be the first man to touch me. Can your _old woman_ say the same? You're a biotic, the pinnacle of our current evolution. Think what you could do, what we could do together." The clone's voice lowered to an intimate whisper that was a pale parody of how the real Shepard's rich alto sounded. "I could make you forget her."

"Mmm. I doubt it." Kaidan leaned closer to the stranger with his wife's face, breaching her personal space until he was almost kissing her. He watched her pupils dialate with surprise and arousal, but the dead, desperate quality of her eyes didn't change. It made his skin crawl. "The thing of it is... I like older women. And not even death can make me forget her." His lips quirked in a not-entirely-nice smile. "Trust me on this one."

His eyes flashed blue, and he hit the clone squarely in the face with a biotic slam that broke her nose a split second before a high-powered bullet took her in the shoulder, spinning her counterclockwise. Kaidan signed a fast mnemnonic, forming a push that sent the clone sprawling in a flare of dark energy. He brought up a barrier, but otherwise stayed on the field.

"Major, what are you doing? You need to clear the line of fire." James' deep voice rolled into his ear.

"Negative," Kaidan muttered, although he did withdraw a few prudent steps. "I need to see this through. I need to be here for Rose."

The clone snarled, and scrabbled for the gun she'd dropped when Kaidan had sent her flying. A single shot rang through the cargo bay, punching into the pistol which exploded in a spray of shrapnel. The clone recoiled, cursing.

Shepard materialized from the shadows, her beloved Widow half-raised to firing position, and it didn't take her team any more than a glance at her face to know that she was righteously pissed off. "You were dead the moment you touched the_ Normandy_ and threatened my crew." Her rich voice was very even, and very quiet, but somehow managed to ring through the cargo bay like a knell. "You just didn't know it. Then you touched my husband. Your clock just ran out, bitch."

The clone swiped at the blood drooling from her broken nose, painting macabre streaks across her cheek, then straightened as her armor systems delivered medigel to the various wound sites. "Tough talk. You're just a useless revenant, held together with parts and spite. _I'm_ still Rose Shepard."

"Yeah?" Shepard bared her teeth in a feral smile. "I'm Rose Shepard _Alenko._ I take care of annoyances like you on my way to real problems."

"Damn, that woman is hot when she's mad." James muttered into his comm. "Major, you are a lucky sonavabitch."

"Don't I know it," Kaidan muttered back, drawing his Carnifex. "Let's do this, team."

"Rock and roll, Major. Can't let Shepard have all the fun."

Kaidan actually laughed as he dropped into cover and used his omnitool to overload the clone's shields. "Sure I can, Vega. It's still our honeymoon."


	8. Discomfort

_Vignette written for the Shenko Angst Tuesday challenge on Tumblr, and set during the beginning of Mass Effect 2, when Shepard first comes aboard the new Normandy._

* * *

_**Normandy SR2**_

_**Captain's Loft**_

_**Undocking from Cerberus Station**_

* * *

Shepard hated the bed.

Her new cabin was absolutely luxurious, above anything even an Admiral could likely expect on board a warship. Hell, the apartment she'd grown up in hadn't been this well-appointed.

But she hated the bed. It was too exposed to the sight lines directly from the door. Potential intruders - and she counted everyone on board under that heading, with the exception of Joker - would immediately be able to see where she was and draw a bead on her. In a breathtaking display of insensitive design, it was also underneath a fucking _skylight_; for someone whose last concious memory was of freefalling through a planetary atmosphere, asphyxiation and re-entry burn competing to see which of them could kill her faster, the sight of an open expanse of stars was never going to be a soothing vista meant to lull her to sleep. Possibly, given Cerberus' devotion to secrecy, the designers hadn't known who'd be commanding the ship they were painstakingly reconstructing. The Illusive Man had known, though. Either he hadn't realized how she'd feel about seeing an apparently unrestrained starfield right above her, or he hadn't cared.

The worst thing about the bed, though, was the size. It was even bigger than her bunk on the original _Normandy_, and that had been a cozy fit for two. It was plush and meticulously kept, the huge pillows and soft sheets clearly meant for hedonistic pursuits, not sleeping._ It's almost as if Cerberus expects that all their operatives will want to fuck their way across the galaxy. Well, judging by the way Miranda's catsuit fits, maybe they do._

Well, that wasn't her. That was never going to be her. She'd only trusted two men enough to let them that close. One had died. The other thought _she_ was dead, and if he ever found out she was working with Cerberus, he'd probably wish she'd never been brought back.

Shepard stared at the bed for another second before turning her back on it. Even if the unpleasantly open positioning and the skylight hadn't been considerations, there was no way she could ever bring herself to sleep in it when the damn bed's size would only emphasize how alone she was. Except she wasn't really alone, was she?

She wondered where the cameras were.

She wondered where Kaidan was. Hoped he was as off the Illusive Man's radar as the cagey bastard had implied he was. Wondered if he was lying sleepless in a too-big bed, too.

_Oh, Kaidan. I miss you. Stay safe. I'll find you again. Somehow._


	9. Something About Shepard

_**Author's Note: **__Takes place during the Citadel DLC party phase, and is obviously AU enough to go along with my personal storyline canon for Commander Rose Shepard._

_As always, all recognizable characters, places, etc. that are copyrighted are Bioware's. I'm just nicer to them, is all._

* * *

_**The Citadel, after the rescue of the Normandy**_

_**Residential Apartment 631**_

* * *

"So, no shit, there we were…."

"Is this how all turian war stories go?" Joker leaned one elbow on the bar and aimed his trademarked smirk at Garrus.

"I may have spent too much time with a smartass pilot, and maybe that colored my commentary. Now, shut up and let me tell the story, Moreau."

"Hey, just tryin' to keep you real, man."

"You're going to need more alcohol to do that." Garrus' grin was pure turian, mandibles flexing widely. "Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Omega. Anyway, this will be a surprise to no one here, but Shepard charges into this horde - and I mean a horde - of Blue Suns. It's just her on the ground, and I can see she's gonna get overwhelmed, and this melee she's inconveniently gotten into is playing hell with my nice neat sniper setup. Not like I want to shoot my CO in the head, right? So I do what any sensible soldier would do."

"Call for backup?" Joker drained his whiskey.

"Hell, no. Who has the time? You know how fast she is. No, of course, I dive right in after her." Garrus took a deep pull on his snifter of turian brandy.

"Yeah?" Beside him, James leaned one huge arm on the bar top. "Reminds me of that time on Mars. You remember that time on Mars, right, Major?"

"Oh, yeah. I remember." Kaidan rubbed the back of his head in memory.

"That was not my fault, Major Alenko," EDI informed him. She was standing off to the side, unsure of her place in a gathering of organics whose stated mission was to get plastered. "This platform was under another AI's control. Rest assured, any subroutines indicating hostile intent toward any member of the _Normandy_ crew have since been purged."

"Er, thanks, EDI." Kaidan raised his beer to her. "I appreciate it."

"Anyway," James cut in, "there was the Cerberus mech, pulling a quick getaway with a gunship. I heard the Commander yelling for anyone to take her out. Probably could have shot her down, but I'm no fighter jockey and I want to make real sure she's grounded permanently. So, I crash the shuttle into her gunship midair."

"And nearly took out the shore party, as I remember. Amateur." A few stools down the bar, Cortez muddled his glass between his palms, watching the whiskey spin in an amber circle.

"Hey, I figured they'd dodge, Esteban. And they did. No harm, no foul."

"Except for the part where the mech tried to turn the major into roadkill."

"Yeah." James frowned, then took a pull from his beer to compensate for the bad taste that memory left in his mouth. "That wasn't the best. Commander took it bad."

"Hey, that's not where we're going with this." Garrus held up one hand before the mood in the room could turn maudlin.

"Before I spike a migraine in memorial to that particular memory, can I ask where exactly we _were_ going with this?" Kaidan wanted to know.

Joker peered critically at the bottom of his glass. He had been pretty certain there had been some alcohol in there a minute ago. "We're trying to figure out how Shepard manages to get us to risk our lives on a daily basis. Sometimes twice a day."

"Current calculations put near-death incidences at 2.7 times per daily cycle, rounded down." Glyph offered from his spot in what James had begun to refer to as the "dry corner" of the room.

"See? It's worse than I thought." Garrus leaned on the bar and looked like he was reminiscing. "Granted, there was a stretch when Shepard wasn't dragging us into trouble."

James held up a hand. "Hey, I thought we agreed we wouldn't go there."

Everyone nodded but Garrus himself. "You agreed. I just made 'mmm' noises and let you think I agreed. It isn't the same." The turian swirled his brandy around in his glass. "But let's be realistic. If Shepard is breathing, she's in trouble; if she's not in trouble yet, someone will comm and ask her to get into trouble, and if_ she's _in trouble, she's probably bringing us along for the ride."

None of them were particularly inclined to mention that Shepard hadn't been breathing at one point, and had still managed to be at the epicenter of a shitstorm that had eventually ended with Liara becoming the Shadow Broker and Garrus getting his face shot off by a rocket. "OK, then how do you explain the whole Archangel thing on Omega? Shepard wasn't even there." James crossed his massive arms across his equally massive chest, straining his Alliance T-shirt at the seams.

"Yes, Garrus." Tali was perched on a bar stool next to him, shamelessly filching refills from his stash of dextro-alcohol. An emergency induction port was perched daintily in her mask. "Shepard was not on Omega at the time you decided to… how did you put it? _Clean up the streets_?"

"You're right." Garrus tilted his head to one side and considered. "Which means that I chose to do something blatantly stupid, heroic, and very likely terminal, with an extremely high probability of explosions, without Shepard being around to directly influence me. Wow. That's kind of scary."

"From your description, without biological data to verify, Commander Shepard could theoretically be classified as a viral influence. If that is so, then she would potentially be the first sentient bipedal virus known to the galactic database." EDI crossed her arms over her chest in mimickry of the pose she saw many of the organics make.

Kaidan choked on his beer until Steve helpfully pounded him on the back. "Did you just describe Shepard as a virus, EDI?"

"Yes, Major."

"Well, she has a point."

The major blinked at Tali, who was the last person in the galaxy he would have thought would be disparaging Shepard. "Seriously?"

"Well, no, not really…. but if you analyze what Shepard actually does…" The quarian tilted her head in a manner very reminscient of Shepard herself. "The addition of her presence tends to infiltrate and co-opt most of your processing power, so you can only think about her needs. That infiltration tends to take normal organic self-preservation programming offline. And then she uses your processing power and individual runtimes for things they were never intended to safely do."

Kaidan just stared at her. "How much have you had to drink, Tali?"

"Oh, not much. Just enough that that actually made sense."

Kaidan considered the beer bottle dangling from his fingers. "Yeah. I think that's about how much I've had, too."

"Hell, Major, you had to have more than that." James clapped the older man on the back, making him stagger. "You married the virus."

A slow grin spread across Kaidan's face. "You'd know, Vega. You were there."

"Yeah. And, y'know, me and Garrus were totally not kidding when we threatened your life and manhood if you ever hurt Lola again. With respect. Sir."

"Totally not kidding." Garrus nodded with the gravity of the very drunk. "I will put a bullet in your head, Alenko, and you will never even see it coming. The only question you need to worry about is, which head am I aiming at. 'Cause you seem to have grown another one since this morning."

"Not gonna happen, Vakarian. I'm wise to you."

"You have to sleep sometime, Alenko."

"The hell I do." Kaidan's smile slid slow and hot across his mouth. "I'm a newlywed. Sleep is for the weak."

"I so did not need to hear that," Joker muttered. "You owe me a beer for that, Alenko."

"I'll spot you something stronger." Agreeably, Kaidan poured some of their dwindling supply of tequila into a glass.

"Thanks." Joker tossed back the shot and grimaced. "Man, I needed that. I don't mind thinking about Shepard naked - she's _seriously_ hot - but I really don't need a mental image of you in the buff, Major. No offense."

"None taken." Kaidan helped himself to another beer. How many had he had again? "But, Joker, if I catch you mentioning Shepard naked again, I just might have to kill you. With my brain."

"Roger that." Wincing, Joker sidled away. "Though you might want to talk to her about going around in that little black dress."

"What's wrong with Shepard's dress?" Liara wanted to know. "It's very becoming."

"It's…. ah…. "

Cortez slapped a hand over Joker's mouth before the helmsman could answer. "I'm sure Joker was about to agree with you, Liara."

"As a primitive mating signal, it seems to be quite effective." Javik sounded more than usually disdainful. "However, in my cycle, walking around in anything less than full armor was punishable by death."

"That seems to have happened a lot in your cycle, Javik," Liara observed dryly.

The Prothean shrugged. "Less than you think. As a consequence, death is very motivating. We Protheans were very efficient people."

"Is Javik pontificating about death again?" Shepard walked into the room, a tray of fish and chips in one hand, a second tray containing freshly made _keftethes_ in the other, and a bucket of ice cradled in the crook of her arm.

"Yeah, but his predictability is just one of those things we love about him." Joker grinned into his glass.

"Hey. I told you I'd help. You didn't need to take over the kitchen all by yourself." Kaidan took the trays from her, putting them on the coffee table, where the food was immediately fallen on by several apparently starving teammates.

"I wanted you to relax. Mostly to see if you actually could. I'll get you in the kitchen some other time." Shepard dropped the ice bucket on the bar before she kissed him, grinning against his lips when catcalls broke out from the peanut gallery behind them.

"Oh, I can relax." Kaidan grinned back, touching his forehead to hers and sliding his arms around her waist a little more securely. "But there's a couple of conditions that need to be met, first."

"Oh? Do tell, Major." Shepard walked her fingers up the back of his neck and brushed a teasing touch across his implant site, a wicked light in her eyes when the caress triggered a shudder.

"Oh, get a room, you two." Garrus snorted.

Shepard shook her head. "Are you kidding? With my luck, Kasumi would be in it. I already caught her going through my underwear drawer earlier."

Kaidan raised one eyebrow. "Seriously?" He leaned closer and whispered, "She didn't get my favorites, did she?"

Shepard gave her husband an almost predatory smile. "No." Her voice was equally quiet. "I'm wearing those."

"Mmm. Good to know. Just to warn you, I plan on taking them off you later." He kissed her again, slowly, and his voice dropped an octave. "With my teeth."

Kasumi materialized a foot away. "Could you speak up for the camera, Major? I didn't quite catch that."

A low, warning growl that sounded like it should have been coming from Wrex or Grunt rumbled in Kaidan's chest. "Kasumi, if you don't want to be hit with a reave, you'll point that elsewhere."

"You have to find me first."

Kaidan scowled. "Not with a wide enough field, I won't."

"Oooh, the major has teeth," Kasumi mused, amusement coloring her husky voice. "I like him, Shep."

Shepard stifled a small growl of her own, but only barely. "Mine, Kasumi."

"Fine. Don't share. I wouldn't. He's got too nice an ass not to get territorial over." The thief vanished again in a crackle of static and cloaking technology.

"Wait! I figured it out!" Jacob slapped a hand down on the bar, making Jack jump and shoot him a nasty look before she resumed stuffing her face with crispy bits of battered fish. "Shepard's not a virus."

Miranda looked at Samantha Traynor, who was currently acting as bartender and arched one perfectly-manicured eyebrow. "Whatever you gave him, I don't want one."

"For once, I agree with the cheerleader." Jack snorted, then shoved a handful of food into her mouth. "Shit, what a terrifying thought," she muttered with her mouth full.

"Wait, I'm a virus?" Shepard blinked. "What the hell have you people been drinking?"

"Lots of stuff. I kinda lost track. OK, Taylor. Spill it." Joker settled his hat more firmly on his head.

"It's simple." Jacob grinned widely and slung an arm around the extremely startled Liara, making the pink umbrella in her glass tip precariously over the side. "Ladies and gentlemen - and Javiks - I give you Commander Rose Badass Shepard, the best damn poker player in the galaxy."

There was a moment of relative silence as everyone considered that statement.

Then, "When was I voted a virus?"

"You're not a virus, Shepard, you're a player. Keep up." Grunt rumbled from the couch. A indistinct grumble of low sounds that sounded like "the battlemaster's gone soft since she mated" came from his direction.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm seein' it." James nodded, waving his beer bottle in emphatic circles. "Shepard's so badass, she bluffs Death. And wins."

"That's why we keep risking our lives whenever she asks us to?" Tali asked dubiously. "On the basis of Shepard's winning streak bluffing Death?"

But Jacob was nodding. "You gotta admit, she's currently undefeated. In the card game of life, Shepard is the queen of the running bluff."

"To bluffing!" James raised his beer. "May no one ever call you on it, Lola."

"Well, hell, I'll drink to that," Shepard grinned wickedly at him and then planted a firm kiss on Kaidan's mouth.


	10. Slipping

**_Omega Station_**

**_Outside Afterlife_**

* * *

Shepard hates Omega.

She hates the sour air, the despair in the streets, how any act that can be considered even vaguely decent is looked on with as much distrust and wonder as if it were a lump of platinum sitting in the middle of the corridor.

She's not sure, but she might hate Aria T'loak. The asari's blunt brutality is like a barrier curtain. She wants nothing. She needs nothing. Neither carefully-chosen words nor, Shepard suspects, a carefully aimed bullet will puncture the shields Aria's got around herself. Worse, she cares for nothing.

She reminds Shepard too much of herself, of what she had been before David Anderson took raw recruit R. Shepard and browbeat, cajoled, and railroaded her into something close to her present form.

That's what Shepard hates most about Omega. It's familiar. She backslides almost without a thought, moving like a soldier, armed like a walking arsenal, but thinking like the street thug she used to be. It's all too easy to pull a gun and intimidate someone, all too easy to threaten to break someone's legs. It's the language they all speak. No one thinks it odd - they just mark her as higher on the food chain and comply. After finding Garrus, after almost losing him, it gets so incredibly hard to not harden, not let that ice get so far down into her that her heart solidifies and she isn't Shepard anymore.

Shepard wraps herself in the memory of warm whiskey-colored eyes and a slow, quirky smile, and it makes the ice go away. Still, she's glad when the has both Mordin and Garrus on the _Normandy_, and the Collector-manufactured plague is cured, and Aria is becoming an ally with glacial slowness, but what really matters is that she can order the _Normandy_ off Omega, and she can stop slipping.

And then the message from Hackett comes. He wants her to investigate the original _Normandy_'s crash site on Alchera.

Shepard turns from her terminal, with only the slightest hesitation, but she knows Kelly Chambers has probably seen it, and is filing it away to report to the Illusive Man. She sends the nav points to Alchera up to Flight, and has Joker plot a course. She goes to gear up without a word to anyone.

She can feel herself slipping again.


	11. Subtle Declarations

_**Normandy SR2**_

_**FTL flight to Tuchanka**_

_**Operative Lawson's office**_

* * *

_PPS: Miranda, stop reading Shepard's messages. Oh, don't give me that look. It's what I'd do._

Miranda Lawson smiled ruefully. Oriana was every bit her twin - snoopy, control oriented, and too intelligent by half.

She loved that girl.

Miranda tabbed her messages closed. Shepard's messages, really. She still peeked on them from time to time, mostly because she found them fascinating. Shepard inevitably read her messages - Yeoman Chambers was forever going on about whether or not she had any - but she consistently kept certain ones active in her inbox. Anything from Cerberus was dealt with and filed away. The occasional request from the Alliance was also dealt with in a timely manner, and then appropriately filed. The plea for help from the mother who'd lost a son and brother to the Collectors, the thank you from the mother of the murdered artist on Omega, the thank yous from half a dozen people all over the galaxy. The message about Horizon. These Shepard kept. As if she needed to touch them on a regular basis.

Miranda's fingers hovered over her terminal for a moment. She didn't really need to access Shepard's messages to remember them, and more and more, doing so felt like an assault against the commander herself. It made her... Miranda sighed. It made her regret. And regrets were not things she was used to feeling. Satisfaction at a job done, and done well, yes. Pride. Sorrow at how things had worked out with Niket. But regret...

Miranda Lawson regretted two things in her life. The first was leaving Oriana to grow up without her. The second was living down to the image Shepard had of her from the beginning.

Miranda was under no illusions. Shepard had not initially liked her or trusted her. Any of them, really. Not even Jacob, who had been specifically chosen for his previous ties to the Alliance and an easy, open demeanor that should have put Shepard at ease. Miranda sighed. Which Shepard had undoubtably realized, and so trusted Jacob no more or less than she trusted anyone else on the ship. But all of them, perhaps barring the idealistic and sheltered Yeoman Chambers, fully trusted the commander.

She'd turned a corner, and she knew it, when she told Shepard that the only people she knew either worked for Cerberus or the commander. She'd called out the difference, because the two were_ not_ the same, no matter what The Illusive Man wanted or thought. Maybe Cerberus had built the SR2, and maybe they were all on the Cerberus payroll, but at this point, the _Normandy_ and her crew were all Shepard's, and they all knew it. She'd admitted as much to Oriana when she'd said she was working for the commander on an important mission. Not working_ with_. Not working _for_ Cerberus. Working for _Shepard_.

A flash on her monitor alerted Miranda to the opening of the elevator, and she watched as a familiar figure strode out. Shepard's hair was neatly in the customary Alliance-regulation bun that made her look more like a dancer than a soldier, her shoulders were back, her stride confident.

And she was wearing Alliance fatigues.

Miranda stifled the smile that tugged at her lips as she watched Chambers' eyes go wide. The yeoman greeted their commander with her customary politeness, but turned back to her console as soon as Shepard walked into the armory, fingers flying furiously.

"EDI."

The AI's voice issued from the comm on Miranda's desk. "Yes, Operative Lawson?"

"Please route all of Yeoman Chambers' communications through me for review before sending them to the Illusive Man."

"Shall I inform the yeoman of this change in operational procedure?"

Miranda bit her lip, briefly. "No."

There was the barest hint of a pause. "Yes, Operative Lawson."

Apparently, even the damn AI was on Shepard's side. Fascinating. "Thank you, EDI."

"Logging you out, Operative."

Miranda waited until the unsent message from Chambers started scrolling across her screen and made a few judicious edits before scrubbing all traces of her presence and sending the report into the queue for the next data burst. Then she flipped the surveillance feed over to the Armory and watched Jacob and Shepard chat as they cleaned and reassembled Jacob's Carnifex and Shepard's beloved Widow.

"You had my back on Illium, Shepard," she murmured. "Now I've got yours."


	12. Krantt

Grunt was waiting for her in the armory when she got back from the wreck of the _MSV Estevanico._

"Why didn't you take me?" he rumbled.

Shepard stripped off her breather helmet and swiped a still-gauntleted hand across her forehead, clearing away the little tendrils of hair that stuck to her sweat-dampened skin. Her nerves were still jumping from the last-minute shuttle rescue. "There was nothing to shoot, Grunt. Just picking the old bones of a long-dead ship."

The young krogan shifted his weight irritably. "Then why go?"

With a slight wince for a pulled muscle, she stowed her helmet in her locker. "We always answer distress calls, Grunt. "

"Krogan don't answer distress calls. We create them." Grunt growled and started pacing as she disassembled her weapons loadout and stored it properly. "You're my battlemaster, Shepard. I'm supposed to go with you. How am I supposed to stand with you if you don't let me?"

Shepard stilled, and a small, somehow sad smile touched one corner of her full mouth. "You sound like someone I used to know."

The krogan snorted, pale blue eyes narrowing. "I don't see whoever that someone is standing with you now. What happened?"

"She took a stand."

"Ah. Died fighting."

"She died standing for something."


End file.
